I felt I was left with nothing. I should have thought about the karma dealt to me for my stupidity but all I felt was that I had lost someone perfect for me. The way she viewed her behaviour confused me. She started to talk about “little white lies” and that she had panicked because of my questioning. I didn’t feel I had done that, the stories were unravelling bit by bit as she spoke.
I tried to see the best in her and rationalise what she had done and I started to think that this was symptomatic of what I thought was her undiagnosed ADD and I made allowances.
On Day 31 I went to see T with the absolute intention of ensuring that our relationship was over. I started to make her feel very uncomfortable with my opinion on the cause of her behaviour. She was very stand offish and aloof. She made mention that she thought perhaps we just had a sexual thing. This hurt me as my feelings for her were real and I still thought hers were too. I was reeling that she could feel like this and she off-handedly suggested we have sex. I obliged and we had something that for me was devoid of the intense feeling it once had and for her, something she described at the best ever. Instead of the usual embrace afterwards, we both just stared at the ceiling and she quite literally lost the plot. She screamed that I had used her and that I was a bully who was an abuser. Later, she would say that I should have taken being called a bully quite so literally!
Looking back I recognise now that the irrational way that she saw things was beginning to make sense. Her hold over me was that strong that the utter nonsense she spoke, I could find a rationale for. It was bizarre.
At this point I started to look at myself from a perspective of my marriage and in a way the relationship with this narcissist helped. I saw the effort I was making in the relationship with T and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t make as much effort in my marriage. Clearly during the love-bombing, it’s fair to say that T put in way more effort than my wife ever did but that’s because the relationship with my wife evolved in time and naturally. Not in the distorted way of a love-bomb. I apologised to my wife and acknowledged that I had been all to keen to blame. Facing up to my responsibilities made me feel a little better in my treatment of my family. I didn’t want to reconcile at that point as I still had T on a pedestal.
Things over the next few days took the form of me staying in contact with T but telling her that the trust had gone and I therefore couldn’t have a relationship. She made more of the “little white lies” and said that they had been a defence mechanism for her for years.
I was in a real quandary because I was very much in love and lust with this woman but even though I knew how damaging she was I couldn’t help myself.
Around Day 36, I was building up communication with my wife and I am ashamed to say that I was using this as a fall back position because I knew that if somehow I could fix T’s behaviours she would be loving and perfect for me. I told T that we had moved too fast and that I thought we should give ourselves a chance to build a sustainable relationship. I told her that I was in contact with my wife and I was sitting on the fence with her.
During the course of the next week we saw each other regularly and there was no drama, things were back to how they were at the beginning. I didn’t make the mistake of asking about C because I didn’t want any more lies. T offered to show me her phone but I refused, citing that trust should be in place without measures.
This (most likely) one-sided happiness lasted 10 days.