My day 11 attempt to get away and repair my bad behaviour and guilt was unsuccessful as T appealed for my patience to allow her to become a better person. She of course fell short of an apology for her behaviour and looked at me like I was being unreasonable, but she explained she had fallen for me that much that she wanted to make it work and would do anything to keep things where they were. I was really unsure but didn’t see the harm in keeping the relationship going, I was in a gorgeous fantasy bubble with this woman and I wasn’t quite ready to give it up.
I didn’t recognise it at the time but it was at this point I was drawn in past my depth.
In 2015 I was diagnosed with Adult ADD. After years of being told I was depressed, I still felt there was something that didn’t quite connect and by chance my epiphany was watching a comedy set where I recognised problems and behaviours. I’ve dealt with this really successfully in my opinion and have been able to harness the positive traits whist minimising the negatives. I’m open with my diagnosis, as I believe that we all have an obligation to open the dialogue and remove stigma. T herself admitted that she had been diagnosed with depression in the past and it was something that raised its head.
Over the next couple of days I began to recognise that T too perhaps had ADD and not depression so I encouraged her to take an online assessment which showed strongly that she should seek a professional opinion. I gave her the name of my physician and she said she would make an appointment. I began to explain how I combatted some of the things that she was going through and it was as if I was her saviour. My wife had never took the time to understand my ADD but here was someone that knew what could happen and we could be helpful to one another. This brought us much closer together and it made me lean towards her even more. All the while, the sex was getting better and at that point we exchanged the declaration we were in love.
I can’t begin to describe the feeling of love I felt for T. It was damaged by her exchanges with C but it felt real and was mesmerising. Despite the feeling of deep relaxation I felt with T there was the nagging doubt about my wife and children and at around Day 15 I snapped.
I was at home one evening and things had become unbearable due to what I realise now was my disengagement whilst there. Fresh in my mind was how understanding T was to my ADD and how my wife had always promised she would look into it but didn’t. That made her a distant second best to T in my damaged eyes. At the end of the night I didn’t put a glass away and was called lazy by my wife. As someone who has never played on mental illness I was enraged by this and it all came out. I didn’t love my wife any more and I couldn’t be happy with her because she didn’t care and was damaging. That night I left the family home and I felt free, because I could now give myself unconditionally to my T.
I wasn’t due to see T until two days later, Day 17. Bear in mind she didn’t know anything about my wife but she had hinted a couple of times that “I was too good to be true” and that at some point I would tell her something that would burst her bubble. I felt incredibly relaxed on my way over to see T that night and was really looking forward to telling her which was the final stage in me going back to living a truthful life.
We went for dinner that night and were going to go for a drink but I told T I wanted to talk. She was slightly concerned but I sat her down and told her exactly the story. I was apologising to her for living a lie?!?!
She wasn’t happy of course but didn’t get upset. We discussed the ins and outs for an hour and then went to bed. For the first time, she wore pyjamas to bed and I kept my distance to let things blow over but she initiated contact and then it was the usual sex through the night.
The following day, (18) I said to her that I would understand if she was angry with me and would expect her hurt to manifest itself in a number of different ways but my deception deserved that and I would allow her hurt to take its course. She did bring things up often but looking back it wasn’t even a blip in our closeness.
The following week was all about her coaching me in how I stayed strong in my resolve not to go back to my wife as she said I would have doubts. During this phase I actually had none as I felt free and full of optimism for the future. Things were great between us and I stayed with her when she didn’t have her children and travelled on business when she did. I was very open with her regarding texts I was receiving from my wife who was incredibly hurt by my leaving. I couldn’t have cared less and had a steely resolve to ensure I proved my loyalty and transparency to T.
There was a slight blip when she mentioned that she’d been contacted by a footballer that she’d been in contact with for a number of years. She’d admitted to having had “phone sex” with him when she’d been with C and he was back to see if she was still willing to keep contact. I asked why she thought it was ok to think contact was appropriate and she thanked me for calling her out on it saying she would delete his details. She later revelled that she found him unattractive, “all athletic with a 6 pack” this was clearly a jibe at my Dad bod! She countered this by saying that she had told C about me and he reacted in a toxic way sending a very spiteful email. This made me feel good that he seemed finally to be out of the way.
The following weekend (Day 22/23) was a bank holiday in the UK and we spent a wonderful few nights looking after her friends pets in the heart of the nearest city. Fantastic nightlife was a feature and we spent the most perfect evening having fun, laughing and being close. The following day her friend returned and we had a night with her in a pub. T was in flirt overload with every guy that past but it was fun and jocular, not making me at all uncomfortable.
We went house hunting for me on Day 24 and I moved in on 26, not before we went to all the usual haunts to get supplies and hardware. On 27 we spent a night together at mine for the first time and we made love less than usual as I was dealing with messages from my children who were hurting so I was concerned for them and was distant. In the morning I was rebuked for not cuddling T during the night, despite the fact I was awake with worry for my children. By this point I was disappointed at myself for making her feel unloved.
On day 29, everything changed and my devalue phase began.
I hadn’t seen T for 2 days and we were having a normal conversation on the phone about not very much, when I made the mistake of asking if she’d heard from C. She said that she had heard from him but she was going to tell him about me. Clearly she had already said she had told him and that he acted in a toxic way. What followed was lies covering up more lies and with every one I saw her beauty becoming a facade that was quickly falling away. With every question I asked, her answer didn’t add up and she attempted to cover it with more lies. She admitted eventually that he had been at her house because he was angry to have seen her tagged on Facebook with me and her friend the previous weekend. She then said that when he confronted her she “smiled at him and said I was single so could see who I please”. In my mind she wasn’t single and the smile at him was a challenge to get a reaction. I finished it at that point and then she created another lie that she had told her father, a big influence in her life about me. I knew this wasn’t the case and called her out, she eventually admitted it wasn’t true.
She maintained that night that there was nothing going on with C and I asked her to send a screen shot of her messages with him. When it came through everything clearly had been deleted and all that was left was contact I knew about.
Realising that this pretty, smart, sassy lady who was quite literally all I wanted or needed in life was a fraud, devastated me to my very core.
Things would only get much worse.
In The Narc Dark 